Posted in family life, musings

remembering grace

When you tried a new recipe for dinner and were excited about it and it totally flopped –

When your husband is too tired to give you a smile when he gets home from class –

When you’ve yelled at the toddler over (literal) spilled milk and lost patience with the baby –

When you realize you made a mistake with a project at work that means half the week and hundreds of dollars were wasted –

When you’re moving from attachment to RIE principles of parenting and beginning sleep training (of a sort) and the toddler is crying upstairs with anger –

When the floor is dirty and the table is dirty and the dishes are dirty and the one bright spot of the afternoon was the 15 minutes stolen away to clean the bathroom –

When all you want to do is cry (or maybe sleep) –

Then it is good to remember that you are not alone.

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Looking up from our tiny townhome backyard into a glorious expanse.

It is good to remember that there is grace. To open oneself up to the grace that God freely offers. To give thanks for that grace. To find rest in that grace, and then move forward to set things right in the strength of that grace. Setting things right in the power of His grace – that is our mission of redemption in the world, is it not? So often I am the one messing things up and introducing sin into my family and community, but He still gives me grace and extends the opportunity to work with Him, in His grace, to redeem what is broken and rescue what is lost.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, now is, and ever shall be, world without end.

Amen.

Posted in links, musings

junipero serra

Today Pope Francis will canonize Junipero Serra – the first saint ever to be canonized on American soil, and one of only a relatively few American saints. I’ll be honest that I hadn’t heard of Serra before this year, and that I don’t know much about him yet. I’ve begun reading about him, though, and I’m impressed that this is the kind of man the Catholic Church would declare to be a saint. I’d always thought that the saints were essentially perfect people: maybe they had a rough beginning, like the Apostle Paul or Saint Augustine, but then following their conversion lived out their faith without fault and without controversy. Looking at Serra’s life, though, that seems to be a simplistic and naive idea, because his story is nothing if not complex.

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Serra came to the Americas on the tide of Spanish imperialism – a brutal, unjust, and oppressive moment of history. Many (probably most) of the Spanish soldiers and colonizers considered the native peoples to be savages, less than fully human, and ripe for exploitation, similar to how other European colonizers viewed the African people. And Serra came here with those soldiers, on the wings of colonial power, and worked with them, and labored under their protection. Was he not in some way complicit in their crimes? Was his desire to bring his faith to the native people just a subtler form of imperialism, a way to dominate them more completely by erasing their traditional beliefs and culture?

To a post-modern observer, it can easily look that way. If all cultures and beliefs are equally valid, then Serra certainly had no right to try to push his religion on the native people at the expense of their own traditions, especially since his presence and faith were backed by the ominous and fearful shadow of a conquering army.

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From Serra’s perspective, though (and from the perspective of the Church today, I think), it looked somewhat different, simply because he believed his religion to be the fullness of the truth – the source of meaning, fulfillment, and joy in this life and for all eternity, and the only way for humanity to draw near to God. Deeply in love with God and with the Church, the desire of his heart was to share the message of that God and that Church with these people who had never had the chance to hear, who had never been able to receive the grace of the Sacraments or hear the clear truth of God’s Word. The imperial conquest of the Spanish wasn’t something he evaluated from a 21st-century perspective on the clash of cultures, but something he saw as a historically unparalleled opportunity for the proclamation of truth and grace.

(Incidentally, he was prepared to sacrifice quite a lot for the sake of this proclamation, and over the course of his life he did indeed do so – family, career, home, comfort, and health. He was willing to suffer greatly if through his sufferings more souls might come to know God.)

While he took advantage of the opportunity presented by the Spanish colonization, then, he didn’t come here with the same motivations or attitudes. He wasn’t looking for riches and power, but for a chance to serve and bring life. We might still not approve of everything he did, looking back over the centuries at his life from a modern perspective, but knowing his intentions adds a layer of complexity to the black-and-white picture of imperial injustice sometimes presented as the whole story.

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Looking at the details of Serra’s interactions with the native people of Mexico and California adds still more layers to the story. There are the troubling accounts of flogging and other corporal punishment used on the converted natives, and the fact that the mission compounds kept the converted people in a sort of indentured servitude. But there is also the consideration that the missions offered protection from the brutality of the Spanish soldiers, preventing the rapes and killings that would otherwise have been perpetrated. There is the enormous effort Serra undertook to remove a particular commander from his position following his rape of a native woman, and his ability to see the beauty in their culture at a time when most Europeans saw differences to be instances of sin.

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By canonizing Junipero Serra, the Church does not claim that every choice he made was the right one (how could any person or institution make that kind of claim anyhow?), nor does it place a seal of approval on the culture he came from and lived in. Rather, it acknowledges that in an incredibly complex time and place, fraught with new and confusing situations and ethical considerations, Serra consistently sought to live his life for the glory of God to the temporal and eternal benefit of the native people he encountered. Though a man of his own times in many ways, he rose above most of the societal and systemic sins of his own time and culture by striving to live for and in emulation of Christ.

In our own complex historical era, maybe we can learn from Junipero Serra. Maybe, like him, we ought to labor practically for the good of our neighbors at home and to the ends of the earth, to the best of our ability, out of love for God, in union with the Church and the saints that have gone before us, without worrying what accolades or condemnation we might receive because of our choices. It is better to act, if action is undertaken in such a way, than to remain in inaction because we’re unsure of the best or perfect course to take. Our actions, though imperfect, will most likely help someone in some way, while our inaction will at best merely do no harm.

Pray for us, Junipero Serra, as we experience a clash of cultures in the globalization of our times, that we may truly love those who are different from us, that we may see the beauty in their difference, labor for their healing and their good where they are broken and in need, willingly suffer on their behalf, and courageously bear witness to the truth.


(All the pictures are from a trip to the Grand Canyon several summers ago – they were the closest thing I had to California and Mexico pictures. But I thought at least the juniper berries were fitting.)

(One relatively informative site about Serra is the official site for his canonization, although it doesn’t have as many primary source documents as I would like. It does, however, link to a lot of articles that provide a balance for the rather negative picture painted by CNN and the New York Times, several of which are really quite good, and it gives information about why the Church has decided to canonize him and how the process works.)

Posted in musings

in the garden

Gardening, like parenting, is a gestational activity.

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We understand that for a time our plants are going to be small and weak, in need of frequent watering and special care. We acknowledge that we’ll have to put in quite a bit of effort (more or less depending on the particular plant) before we get much back in return, and we don’t expect there to be a harvest right away. So we make choices with that longer vision, that bigger picture, in mind.

I don’t say, oh, a few days of drought will make my baby beets toughen up and be better prepared to deal with bad weather in the future. On the contrary, I worry that if they’re forgotten about for a few days that they’ll be permanently stunted or weakened, so that future difficulties that I can’t prevent might spell disaster.

And I persevere in this gentle care, attentive to the immediate and present needs of the plants with a mind to the long-term goal of a productive garden, and in time the harvest comes.

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(the basils, being transplants, have a bit of a head start over the beets)

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Can I give my children this same gentle and attentive care?

Can I meet their present and immediate needs, keeping in mind the long-term goal for their lives, instead of demanding them to produce a harvest now, before they’ve had the time to grow and mature?

It’s not fair to expect a two-year-old to express his emotions and meet disappointment with calm grace and rational acceptance in the way that an emotionally mature adult would be able to, and even less fair to punish that two-year-old for his “defiance” or failure to comply instantly with parental demands. That would be a horrible misunderstanding of his current abilities and stage of growth, and it would make it more difficult for him to learn to cope with strong emotions or deep disappointments in a mature way in the future – it would merely teach him that those emotions are bad things that need to be hidden and ignored.

In a way, it would be like demanding my little beet sprouts to have large, red, juicy beets hiding under the soil already, instead of waiting the full two months for them to grow, and then being disappointed in or upset with the plants for failing to meet my totally unrealistic expectations.

Gentle parenting means walking with my children through the ages and stage of growth, as they deepen and mature, as their needs and abilities change, giving them the support and tools they need to grow instead of expecting them to act with skills and wisdom beyond their years. Sometimes this looks like holding my two-year-old in my arms as he sobs out his disappointed protests, letting him know that I hear and understand his feelings, that it is indeed sad and frustrating to have to do something you don’t want to do, and for the fun day of play to come to an end, instead of simply dragging him to the car and telling him to deal with it. An adult has the emotional maturity to deal with it; a two-year-old does not. But maybe my patience and understanding with his immaturity will model for him the coping skills and emotional understanding that he’ll need to gain that maturity.

With my children, like with garden, I’m making decisions moment by moment with a long-term vision in mind. The work may be silent and the fruit invisible for a long time yet, but like a baby grows in the secret places of her mother, or like a beet rounds out into fullness in the hidden darkness beneath the surface of the soil, so I trust that my children are growing into fruitful and mature adults in the nurturing and loving context of our family and home.

Posted in musings, quotes

pro-life

“America needs no words from me to see how your decision in Roe vs. Wade has deformed a great nation. The so-called right to abortion has pitted mothers against their children and women against men. It has sown violence and discord at the heart of the most intimate human relationships. It has aggravated the derogation of the father’s role in an increasingly fatherless society. It has portrayed the greatest of gifts–a child–as a competitor, an intrusion and an inconvenience. It has nominally accorded mothers unfettered dominion over the dependent lives of their physically dependent sons and daughters. And, in granting this unconscionable power, it has exposed many women to unjust and selfish demands from their husbands or other sexual partners.” – Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa could say these words with both humility and courage because she radically lived out the principles behind them. She was not merely anti-abortion; she was, perhaps more than any other single person in recent history, intimately concerned with the whole life of every person, from the rich and famous to the outcast and marginalized. She did not seek merely to address the individual moral concern of each choice for or against abortion, but fought against cultural and systemic ways of viewing and treating some people as less than, or as somehow deserving of fewer rights. Are we who claim to be pro-life following in her footsteps, or is our “passion” and “conviction” limited to signing online petitions and righting self-righteous rants about a sin to which we have never personally been tempted? I pray that it would be the former, ever more and more, in our churches and our culture, until the whole contours of our society have changed.

Posted in family life, musings

what love looks like

Love looks like a lot of different things, of course. But in this season of my life I’m learning what it looks like in the context of family. And this is what I see – that love looks like:

…a father lying down with his toddler until he falls asleep, so that each day can end with comfort and presence instead of loneliness and tears

…a baby’s face bursting into smiles when he hears his big brother waking up after his nap

…a toddler letting his baby brother climb on top of him and get into his personal space, returning the hugs and kisses despite his natural inclination to want to push the baby away

…a grandma giving up precious time in her overloaded schedule to babysit her grandkids and offer invaluable service to her children

…an uncle fighting with his own anxieties and sensory struggles to be present and engaged in his nephew’s lives, despite the (very literal) chaos and mess that entails

…a grandpa showing interest in everything that the people he loves are interested in, from literature to technology to cars to “head-bonkers” with the baby

My husband and my mom are particularly gifted at active, serving, love, and it is from them that I’m learning the most these days, and it is to them that I’m most grateful right now. In their lives I begin to see the beauty in doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or changing a diaper – the depth of love that can be communicated in the small, mundane, tedious tasks of life, the discipline of holiness that can be learned by tackling those responsibilities for God with an attitude of love, and the hidden glory of persistence in doing good. For someone like me, who’s always had a head full of ideas and dreams and been somewhat oblivious to the needs of people right in front of me, and who’s started a hundred things with great intentions but completed relatively few of them, it’s an important lesson.

Posted in links, musings

fake news

It’s Easy To Get People To Believe Fake “News.” Here’s How.

“…it is interesting if nothing else that people who will not believe tens of thousands of Syrians who say “We are fleeing the war” will believe a single, unnamed, unidentified “Syrian ISIS operative” who claims ISIS has placed agents all over Europe ready for orders.”

I’ve seen these ISIS stories shared on Facebook by friends that I had considered intelligent, mature Christians. What does it say about American Christianity that we are willing to believe any far-fetched article that purports to confirm our prejudices? And what does it say about us when we let fear for our own safety override the need to love and the opportunity to be like Christ?

Posted in musings

joy in the giving

Exhausted and overwhelmed, my baby falls toward me, too tired to reach out and ask with his hands, nuzzling into me with the desperate eagerness born of a bedtime car ride. His wails shudder into little whimpers as he nurses, finally finding the comfort and security he was craving. I feel his soft baby skin up against mine, his little hand reaching around to pat my side in a little gesture of contentment. Gratitude is too grown-up of a word for his emotion, an adult interpretation of the simple wordless feelings that swell up within him. He had felt need; now he feels joy. And the gentle sleepy happiness pulsing through him seeps into me through those little fingers hugging me, that slight pressure of his body resting on mine, and I know with utter certainty that this love-giving brings me some of the fiercest joy and deepest satisfaction that I have ever known.

contemplating the rainIt’s remarkable how this little person – who has worn me out, brought me to the end of my patience, and demanded every ounce of energy in my being – can also give me such incredible fulfillment, in the very act of meeting his needs. It’s a biological necessity, of course: our species wouldn’t last very long with such dependent and needy offspring without a compensating hormonal surge in the parents! The snuggling they need to feel comforted and secure triggers the production of oxytocin in us, helping us to feel bonded and loving towards them. I think, though, that it also speaks to a spiritual truth: that in giving ourselves in love, we find a deeper peace and joy than we would have found in simply pursuing our own ends. It makes sense to me that God would have designed the physical truth to reflect the spiritual truth, in one of the myriad of ways that our bodies transmit His image into the visible, physical world. But the spiritual truth is greater and wider than its physical counterpart, for we can love others in this self-giving way besides just our own children, and though the biological reaction will be lacking, the spiritual fulfillment and joy will still be present. The lesson is most easily learned in the crucible of the family; my prayer is that I would also apply it in the wider spheres around me.

Posted in musings

parenting goals

If, I as said yesterday, the goal of parenting isn’t to produce adults in a sort of factory way – where each new adult meets the required minimum specifications if the right parenting techniques are employed – and if in fact it is impossible to control the outcome of parenting since our children have wills of their own – then what is the ultimate goal?

At this (admittedly very early) stage of my parenting experience I would submit that the ultimate goal of parenting is to multiply and model love. By meeting the needs of our babies when they cry in the night, or cluster feed all day, or panic when we leave the room, we show them that love can be trusted. By playing with our toddlers instead of sending them off to play alone and stay our of way, by reading them the same books over and over again to their delight, by listening and responding to their obsessive, repetitive, conversations and story lines, we show them that love values their unique personal significance. By giving them space to try, grace to fail, encouragement to try again, and a helping hand when they’re overwhelmed, we show them that love will not shame them or make them afraid. By involving them in household chores, teaching them how to care for their rooms and toys and help with the family and home, we show them that love cares for the community and the environment. By coaching them through sibling rivalries, we show them that love works hard for harmony and understanding. By instilling the habits of virtue – hard work, self-control, patience, and courage – we show them that love is not a weak and tolerant niceness, but an agent for goodness.

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(Babies have a way of emotionally evoking our love, which is good, since they demand a lot of it. They seem to need it most when they’re least cute and endearing, though… that is why our love needs to be strong, built on conviction and on the love of Christ for us, so that we can give it unconditionally and in abundant measure.)

My highest calling as a Christian, and thus as a parent, is to love. Remember the classic verse that says it is even greater than faith and hope, those crucial virtues of the Christian life? That same passage also gives us some guidelines about what love looks like in action. If I take that love into my parenting and make it my key principle – a love that holds fast, that sacrifices, that labors for redemption, that suffers joyfully, that unites my heart to Christ – then, I think, it will be hard to go very wrong. The most nefarious danger would be in replacing love with a weak sort of kindness that neglects the long-term needs of the child (the deep soul-needs of virtue and character and purpose, as well as the very practical need of care for the self, others, and ones environment) in an effort to maintain superficial “happiness” and satisfaction. Love requires us to pour ourselves out, sometimes with great effort, pain, and sacrifice, for the genuine needs of the other person as a human person with inherent dignity and value, not a pet or a project. There aren’t scripts to follow or techniques to use; it is as far from mechanistic as it is possible to be, I think. It is not easy, because it is being like Christ, and our hearts are full of all sorts of tendencies that pull us away from Him and from the difficult path of love. But it is the goal – to love our God, to love our spouse, to love our children, and to teach them how to love in return, so that the love in our homes is multiplied in each heart, reflected in each member of the family, springing up in beauty and fullness and mutual self-sacrifice, filling up and surrounding us all.

Posted in musings

parenting determinism

A lot of parenting tips, techniques, and strategies seem to operate under the presumption that if you parent your children just right, they will turn out just the way you want them (which of course differs from family to family based on the parents’ values). Maybe this is a particular problem with religious parenting guides – they play on parents’ worries and hopes for their children by promising (usually not explicitly, but the idea is there) that if you just follow these guidelines, your children are guaranteed to end up as responsible, successful, Christian adults. The corollary is then obviously that if your child ends up as an atheist, or in a less-than-ideal profession, or has children out of wedlock, or differs in some other way from the “perfect little Christian” mold, you somehow failed as a parent.

But since those promises are empty and false, the guilt of the corollary is equally false. There is absolutely nothing you can do, as a parent, to guarantee that your child will become a certain type of person as an adult, and to try to force that result is detrimental to you, your child, and your relationship. (Your ability to influence your child is a different matter altogether… if your child loves and respects you, he is probably going to want to live in a way that honors you, even when he disagrees with you.) You might be able to enforce certain beliefs and behaviors while your child is young, but the time will come, sooner or later, when your baby will be all grown up and make choices for himself.

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mmm blackberries!

(Even this little guy is someday going to be a man! It’s strange to think of it now, but that’s the end we have to keep in sight as parents. They do grow up.)

It all comes down to the free will God gave to each and every one of us. God, our Father, is the perfect parent, is He not? And yet we, His children, most definitely have character issues and make bad choices – I can speak for myself on that one, and I think everyone who is being honest would agree. It doesn’t reflect back on His parenting; it simply means that you can give someone all the tools and guidance and love in the world, but if they don’t want to accept it, if they want to make a different choice than the one you feel is best, you can’t force them to use what you’ve given them.

In toddler analogies, I can give my son a fork, show him how to use a fork, model using a fork, and help him use a fork – but if he wants to eat with his fingers, I can’t make him pick up that fork and use it independently. He has to make that decision for himself. The same thing is true for my child’s faith, education, career choices, and relationships – I can give him opportunities, model wise choices, and demonstrate unconditional love, but I cannot ensure that he will take the opportunities that arise, act wisely, or love in return. He has to appropriate for himself everything he has been given and make it truly his own, because he, like me, is a human individual with will, dignity, and subjectivity. It is a cause for deep, deep sorrow when a person chooses to use his body and mind for self-destructive or sinful ends – but it is not a sorrow that must always be tinged with guilt.

This is why I get so frustrated with the parenting articles and books I come across that make it sound like you can determine what sort of person your child will become, and give the impression that this is the ultimate goal of parenting. All we can do is teach, model, and love – and then commit their hearts and minds and futures to the Father. We can’t choose the direction they will take, but we can do our best to equip them with the skills and habits that lead to virtue and wisdom, and then trust our Lord with the rest.

Posted in musings, quotes

from darkness to darkness

Migration is not a new problem in the world. How could it be, when sin and hope both spring eternal in the human heart, in this valley between Eden and Paradise? There have always been evils to flee; there have always been havens of peace or places of freedom to seek. And for as long as there have been migrants, there have been doors slammed shut, walls erected, opportunities denied, and the ones who suffer the most are the innocent.

I remember the stories I grew up learning in the history books of the Irish immigrants to the US in the 1800s, fleeing unjust British landlords and the blight of the potato famine, who endured the cramped, unsanitary, steerage traveling quarters across the Atlantic at the hands of unscrupulous ship-owners; the dehumanizing ordeal of Ellis Island, running the gauntlet of rules and officials indifferent to human dignity or family unity; and the oppressing poverty and bigoted exclusion offered them in those big American cities that had promised from afar to be places of hope and potential.

Living relatively near the US-Mexico border, I remember the stories I’ve read in the news and heard from friends of the Mexican immigrants smuggled across that invisible boundary from one land to the other, facing heatstroke, thirst, and starvation under the fierce and wild desert sun, leaving loved ones, communities, and everything familiar behind, willing to forego the fullness of the benefits offered only to citizens – the health insurance, welfare, college opportunities, and most well-paying, skilled employment – because even the crumbs that fall from the table are, to them, worth the pain and the risk of the journey.

And now, from the other side of the world, the stories are coming of the refugees from Syria, escaping ISIS with maybe only the clothes on their back, their communities already shattered, their culture and traditions surviving only in the tenuousness of diaspora; the refugees from the civil wars of Africa, escaping terrorists and oppression, longing for the freedom to speak freely, to write freely, to think freely, without fear of death or imprisonment; all of them funneling through that historic sea, small in volume but great in its significance to so many civilizations and individuals, risking their own deaths and the deaths of the people they love most in all the world in the hope of a new home, a new life, a new freedom.

None of these immigrants ever asked for their homelands and communities to be torn apart; none of them desired to be oppressed, beat down, closed off from freedom and opportunity. They are human people, like you and like me, yearning for peace, for the love of family, for the solidarity of community, for the freedom to think and speak and act with authenticity and integrity and without fear, for the opportunity to both embrace our traditions and reach for the future. And their peace has been stolen from them; their families splintered; their communities devastated; their freedoms squeezed and shrunk; their ties with the past shaking like a weak thread; and their futures – if we shut our doors in their faces – destroyed. They risk their lives because the slim hope of a better future in a faraway land is the only thing they have left. The policies that make the journey more dangerous do not turn them away; they simply cause more death along the way.

Are we hypocrites for becoming passionate and incensed about other nations’ response to a refugee crisis on the other side of the world, when we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the cries for justice and hope in our own neighborhoods and on the other side of our border fences? Probably yes. But it is not hypocritical to care about the Syrian refugee crisis and the deaths on the Mediterranean and simply not know how to respond to either that migration crisis or the issues more close to home. It is not hypocritical to weep for the lives lost, the hopes shattered, the dreams destroyed, wherever the loss took place. On the contrary, to scroll past the images of what is happening with a dry eye and a complacent heart may be the signs of a cold and calloused conscience. May God give us the grace to mourn with those who mourn, and begin the labor of redemption and hope with tears and laments for what has already been.


Back in 2013 Pope Francis gave a message for the World Day of Migrants and Refugees that is still relevant in light of the escalating immigrant crisis. You can read it in its entirety here, but I particularly love these words of hope near the end:

“Every human being is a child of God! He or she bears the image of Christ! We ourselves need to see, and then to enable others to see, that migrants and refugees do not only represent a problem to be solved, but are brothers and sisters to be welcomed, respected and loved. They are an occasion that Providence gives us to help build a more just society, a more perfect democracy, a more united country, a more fraternal world and a more open and evangelical Christian community. Migration can offer possibilities for a new evangelization, open vistas for the growth of a new humanity foreshadowed in the paschal mystery: a humanity for which every foreign country is a homeland and every homeland is a foreign country.”

Where there is sin, where there is pain, there also is room for God’s grace and healing to come, through His people, to the broken world, for its restoration and redemption.


If you want to know what can be done to help with the Syrian refugee crisis specifically, Ann Voskamp did an excellent job compiling a list of ideas, organizations, and resources here. The pictures she’s compiled there, also, are heart-rending. Maybe if we open our hearts and move past our complacency, we can help make these migrants’ journey one of hope, ending with a better future, instead of the voyage from darkness to darkness that it all too often has become.