family life – Page 23 – little thoughts

Advent – the candle of joy

Posted on 2015-12-132015-12-14 by kristinabean

In the midst of the waiting, in the midst of the sorrows of life, the pain and wickedness in the news, the stress of everyday struggles, there is Gaudete Sunday.

It is a day to remember the coming joy, the enduring joy, that the Baby Jesus is bringing to the world; a day to experience a foretaste of the abundance and redemption that will be after His second coming.

In the midst of our longing, our ache for restoration and healing and justice, there is a reminder that one day, all sorrows will be healed, all wrongs righted, all joy restored.

This season, my mom is doing a fairly good job of embodying that joy for me just through the Christmas spirit and hospitality of her home. Despite a tendency to get somewhat stressed, she loves Christmas deeply and has turned her whole home into a celebration of the season, full of the concomitant happiness and beauty that it entails.

There is joy in the family that holds together with love, in the traditions and celebrations of the family and the church, those two institutions that nurture within them sparks of the coming restoration. There is happiness in seeing the family grow, bringing more people into the reach of the glowing warmth and community of the family heart. And I think of how one day all of us in Christ will be perfectly united as one great family, and I can hardly imagine how great that joy will be.

The joy of Christmas, though it is now only a promise not yet fulfilled, is something we can cultivate in our families, our churches, and our hearts, preparing ourselves and our communities for the restoration, the healing, the coming fullness of joy – because if we can’t experience joy now, if we lock ourselves into the cynicism or despair of a life without the hope of Christ, what chance do we have of living in His joy for eternity? We will have trained ourselves to shut it out.

Joy to the world! The Lord is come;
Let earth receive her king;
Let every heart prepare him room,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

family life, musings

rambling thoughts on taxes and God’s provision

Posted on 2015-12-102015-12-09 by kristinabean

Sometimes, I get these waves of anxiety about our finances (triggered by things like taxes or unexpected expenses). Maybe because I’m the primary breadwinner for our family right now, I tend to worry that I’m not providing well enough, and that something might come up that we wouldn’t be able to handle. I wonder if I’ve made the right choices with regards to my education or my job, or I feel guilty about buying something special, like a carton of ice cream or a shelf. But when I calm myself down and look at my circumstances, I see that those worries are small and insignificant in light of all the abundant ways God has provided for us this year. Remembering those things – focusing on His provision – helps to clear the worry from my mind and replace it with gratitude.

We are blessed by having both our extended families in town, helping us to avoid childcare expenses and (more importantly!) giving the boys deep and special relationships outside of the nuclear family. My parents in particular have blessed us by opening their house to us as often as we want to visit them, and filling up their living room with the timeless toys they’ve saved for all these years. We probably drive over at least once a week so the boys can play in the big house and the big yard with different but still familiar toys, and my parents are gracious enough to make dinner for us when we visit as well! Their generosity has also extended to special times of need in our lives – like when our station wagon needed repairs and they helped pay for the replacement parts, or when my hard drives died and my dad bought me a new one for my birthday (using the birthday as a convenient excuse, I am sure, to make sure I got a better and more reliable hard drive than I might have on my own).

My job has been a blessing as well, even though the salary is low, because it covers my husband’s tuition costs, gives us high-quality, low-cost health insurance, and even subsidizes a bus pass so that we’ve been able to save on fuel and vehicle maintenance.

Our home has also been a huge blessing to us financially: because of God’s past provision, we were able to buy a few years back when the market was still low, so our monthly payments are much lower than they would be if we were still renting, and that is a huge relief. Our location gives us access to many free or inexpensive places to take the boys – the library, multiple parks, Main Street (which is currently extra exciting due to the Christmas tree!), the children’s museum, the dinosaur museum, the fire station, the arts center (which is actually a really neat place to explore) and so on. So our finances haven’t prevented us from giving those experiences to the boys, which something else to be incredibly thankful for.

And honestly, we’ve always had enough so that I didn’t have to worry about groceries or utilities. When I hear of or know people who struggle to make ends meet, to the point where electricity is turned off or they have to skip meals, my little financial worries are put into perspective. We have so much. We have as much as we need, and enough to give to others as well, and any lack is more than made up for by the richness of our family and community. I wouldn’t want to give up my time with the boys for a higher-paying job, or put them in daycare so that my husband could work while finishing school. I don’t regret any of the decisions I’ve made to get us to this point, because I think they were all for the best for our marriage, our children, and our pursuit of God – so I really shouldn’t worry about whether or not He will provide for us. He always has, and He always will.

family life

happy birthday to my husband

Posted on 2015-12-09 by kristinabean

Today is this wonderful man’s birthday:

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My beloved husband, the father of my children, one of the most caring, appreciative, and hard-working men I know.

Every day I see and am thankful for his deep, deep love – love for me, for the boys, and above all for God. I am thankful for his compassionate and thoughtful heart; for the way he notices needs and meets them tirelessly and without seeking attention for it; for the common sense wisdom he shares with me, bringing abstract ideas to life and fruition in the tangible, practical world of everyday life; for his skills and strengths that are so different and complementary to my own.

I see the tender joy on his face when he’s holding one of the babies.

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I see the effort he makes to be a positive force in their lives, bringing them happiness and being goofy with the boys even when he’s tired, worried, or discouraged.

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I see the strength and faithfulness with which he shoulders all his responsibilities as a husband and father, and the love with which he takes on burdens above and beyond those to give someone else (whether it be a family member, a classmate, or a stranger) a helping hand.

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I know you may not be where you pictured yourself being at thirty, but who you are – who God is shaping you to be as you seek Him, who I have seen you growing to be over the last five years, is a beautiful and wonderful thing: a man of godly character, a man who is truly God’s.

Happy birthday, my love, and here’s to many more years together!

family life

a boy and his trains (Grandma’s trains, that is…)

Posted on 2015-12-082015-12-07 by kristinabean

Sometimes I wish I had a window into Rondel’s mind, to know what he’s thinking and imagining as he plays.

He is currently absorbed by trains of all types, having been introduced to them at our local children’s museum, and then having discovered that Grandma had a box of trains saved from my childhood. He’ll spend a small amount of time setting up the track, not worrying about whether it is intricate or even complete, as long as there is something to drive the train on, and then spend the rest of his time lining up the trains, linking them together with their magnetic hooks, pushing them slowly back and forth on the little piece of track right in front of him.

Nothing disturbs his focus. (Not even Grandma!)

He is completely in another world, a world perhaps where giant powerful steam engines chug fiercely down the rails, where light rail trains glide smoothly down the road next to the comparatively tiny cars, where people flock on and off the passenger cars as the trains pull up to the station. Or perhaps he is lost in the details, feeling the rough unfinished tracks and the smooth painted engines, the perfect curves of the wheels or the straight lines of the cars, imagining the freight carried in each crate or channel or bucket, taking pleasure in the effortless connection of one magnet to another, feeling the heft of the train as one engine pulls a whole line of cars behind it down the track. There’s no real way for me to know what captivates him so deeply about the trains.

And he doesn’t play with them the way I remember playing with them. My favorite part of the trains (at least as far as I remember, when I was quite a bit older than Rondel is now) was designing the track, seeing what new configuration I could build with the pieces, creating different loops and tunnels for the trains to traverse.

But even though I don’t fully understand the way Rondel plays, I see his thoughtful and imaginative side, his attention to details, and his love of patterns, connections, and categorizations; I see his joy and excitement about doing something he loves; and I see him playing in a way that allows his mind to develop in its own unique bent, free of the artificial goals and constraints of an adult’s idea of fun or the “proper” way to play. All his senses are involved, his body is unconstrained (as evidenced by how he’s lying on his side to push the trains at eye level…), his imagination is free, his attention is undistracted, and his decisions are internally motivated.

In these moments, I feel like I’m privileged to observe the beauty of self-directed, spontaneous, childhood play, and I’m so glad that my son has the opportunity to experience life and develop in that context. We’re far from perfect, but days like these bring me so much happiness.

family life

a birthday for limerick

Posted on 2015-11-302015-11-30 by kristinabean

Look how big this boy is!

It’s so hard to believe that he’s already a year old. It shouldn’t be that hard since he’s been walking for over two months already… and can say practically anything he puts his mind to (he has 35 distinct words already, that he knows and we know and he can use consistently)… but it really is. At the risk of sounding old (or like my father!), where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday he was just a sleepy newborn snuggled up against me all the time – and now he’s wriggling to get away and play at all times except when he’s tired and ready for bed.

We celebrated with my family at my parents’ house with applesauce cake (in honor of Limerick’s first word, “apple”), balloons, and a few presents. Limerick wasn’t sure about the cake, I think mainly because of the frosting, but he was delighted with the balloons, and quite intensely excited about the presents.

He did have some help opening the presents – I thought it would be both easier and more fun for everyone involved if Rondel was allowed to help, and that was definitely the case. Limerick would rather do everything with Rondel than by himself at this point, and Rondel’s birthday was recent enough that he remembered the excitement of opening presents and was eager to do it again!

Anyway, happy birthday, Limerick! Getting to know you this year, as you have grown and begun to show us your very own brilliant personality, has been such a privilege. Your intensity, your focus, your persistence at accomplishing a task you have set for yourself, your internal motivation, and your confidence are wondrous to behold. The eagerness and delight with which you approach life (especially when Rondel is around to make you laugh) bring me joy every day – it’s hard to stay depressed or angry about life when you are bursting with happiness near me about a ball or a puppy or a baby or your own toots!

You remind me to find the happiness in the simple things as well, just by being yourself. And every day I am thankful that God put you in our family, just when we needed you most, and I pray that we can be just as much of a blessing to you as you grow up. I love you, Limerick.

family life

riding the light rail

Posted on 2015-11-272015-11-25 by kristinabean

On Tuesday I took the boys to the big park on the light rail train instead of walking the mile to get there like we have in the past (I have a pass since I take the train to work every day, and the boys are still young enough to ride free). The children’s museum we frequent has had a train exhibit up for a while, and part of it is themed after the local light rail train, so Rondel has been even more fascinated by it than usual. I have to admit, I used riding on the train as a sort of bribe to get Rondel to leave the museum when it closed for the day…

Anyway, Limerick just wanted to run around and explore the inside of the train, and was upset that I wouldn’t let him do that, but Rondel was completely entranced by just being on the light rail train. Every time it would start moving again after a stop his whole face would light up and he’d exclaim, “it’s driving!!!” He loved it so much, in fact, that when we got off the light rail after our return journey, he almost broke down in tears because he wanted to get back on and ride some more “right now.”

I was worried that it would be a hassle taking two babies and a stroller on the train but now I see that my worries were baseless, and I’ll have to find more destinations for us to ride to 🙂 It’s such a simple thing but it brings so much happiness.

family life, musings

my gentle parenting thanksgiving day mission statement

Posted on 2015-11-262015-11-26 by kristinabean

Today, I will love my children for who they are, the way they are, and not act as though I would rather them be someone different.

Today, I will advocate for my children’s wellbeing instead of feeling embarrassed when they are unable to adjust to unreasonable adult expectations.

Today, I will be the safe place my children need when they are overwhelmed, overstimulated, tired, hungry, or uncomfortable, instead of ignoring them to focus on my own conversations or activities.

Today, I will be mentally and emotionally present for my children, so that I can observe the warning signs before a meltdown ensues, and protect their privacy and dignity by giving them the rest or space they need to recalibrate.

Today, I will do the best that I can do to ensure that my children remember Thanksgiving Day with the whole extended family as a day of joy and togetherness, despite the potential for chaos and stress. And I will do this not by emphasizing to them what Thanksgiving ought to be about, but by equipping them to handle the special challenges of the holidays with confidence and grace.

family life

help! I’m becoming a critical parent!

Posted on 2015-11-252015-11-24 by kristinabean

Not critical of my kids, though – critical of other parenting styles! A couple incidents a few days ago stood out to me particularly.

Limerick and I were playing at a children’s museum by our home and a little girl about his age was there with her parents. She seemed like a sweet little girl but I never really got to see her personality or how she would interact with Limerick because every time they got within two feet of each other her parents would both say, “Share! Share!” in tones reminiscent of the seagulls in Finding Nemo. So she would extend one of her toys to Limerick, and he would typically look at it, take it and set it down next to her, or walk away. She was holding blocks identical to many others on the floor surrounding them, so he wasn’t approaching her out of interest in the toys per se – he was interested in her, who she was, what she was doing, and so on. But her coached response was essentially, “take this toy and leave me alone.” What can you do with that? Limerick eventually gave up and left her alone.

Not twenty minutes later I was playing with trains with Rondel at the same museum and a couple of older boys (maybe 8-10 years old) came up and started touching and trying to move the train he was playing with. When he said “No!” and moved it away from them, one of them looked up at me and commented on how selfish Rondel was. My response probably surprised him: I said, “Not really – he was playing with that toy and you tried to take it from him. You wouldn’t have liked it either if someone did that to you.” The boys then proceeded to play with a different train in a loud, attention-getting way, trying to get Rondel to notice and think the other one was better, and he did start to notice, but since he doesn’t just walk over and take toys from other kids they weren’t achieving their goal of drawing him away from the first train. Finally I stepped in and told Rondel, “Those boys are wondering if you want to play with the steam train so they can play with the electric train – do you want to switch trains?” And as soon as I asked him in a reasonable and respectful way he agreed to switch and the boys were quite happy.

Neither of these scenarios would have bothered me at all a few years ago; I probably wouldn’t even have noticed. But now they both really bother me. In the first, I just wish those parents would shut up and let their daughter make friends with my son without their constant interference! In both, I felt like I really began to understand what “sharing” is for a child that young: giving up the toy you were playing with (or worse, having it taken away from you) so that someone else can play with it instead. Even at Rondel’s age sharing is a difficult concept: taking turns (he can have that when I am done with it; I can have this when he is done with it) or exchanging (he can have this toy if he gives me that toy) are much easier to understand and implement. So please, parents, don’t ask your young toddler to “share” with my sons – I don’t want them to learn that it is ok to go up to someone and take their toys because they should be sharing them! When Rondel and Limerick are the age of those other boys at the museum, I want them to be able to ask another child for a turn with respect, not expect the other child to immediately give them what they want.

Sigh. I don’t think any of the parents or kids that I encountered were bad (they all seemed pretty nice and well-intentioned, actually) – they just didn’t see my toddlers (or their own toddler) as little people capable of understanding and independence and deserving of basic social respect. I never felt so different in my life before I started trying to let my children unfold naturally instead of pushing and prodding and protecting and reminding them all the time…

family life, musings

facing thanksgiving with a mood disorder

Posted on 2015-11-242015-11-23 by kristinabean

While the general joy of the holiday season begins to creep upon me beginning with Halloween and my birthday, the anxiety of it doesn’t really start for me until now, in the week between Limerick’s birthday and Thanksgiving. I don’t know if everyone has to fight down panic attacks during the holiday season, or intentionally pursue joy while the black tentacles of depression and apathy are pulling them down; I don’t know if everyone feels trapped between the potential of the season and the expectations for the season, faced with a list of people to visit and chores to complete, wondering where the beauty and the significance went. I would imagine there are a lot of us, but I personally only know one other person with any certainty.

With that in mind, what I want to do is to ask the rest of you to be kind and gracious: to realize that we really do love being with family, participating in the festivities, carrying on the fun or meaningful traditions we’ve built with you over the years, but that sometimes the weight of it all is just to great for us to carry. Sometimes the chaos of a joyful family is too overwhelming, the social pressure too intense, the smells and sounds and expectations a perfect storm that threatens all our normal coping mechanisms. When we have to leave early, or take a few moments of solitude to recalibrate, or drop out of the conversation and activity for a while, it’s not because we don’t want to be with you. Will you believe me when I say we’re making a huge effort to be there with you, because we love you and you matter to us?

And for anyone who’s trying to navigate the holidays through anxiety or depression, I feel you. I’ve been there – some years more so than others – and there really isn’t anything positive about it. It’s incredibly hard to stay engaged for hours of small talk, with stress-inducing levels of ambient noise and who knows what other irritants (low light and allergens, anyone?), when your insides feel like a black void or when every defense system in your body is on high alert. It hurts to try so hard to be happy and present only to end up feeling like you’ve failed, and ruined the holidays for someone else.

So please don’t feel guilty about taking the space you need to be you, to be joyful, to remember the big ideals or the little traditions that are meaningful and important to you as an individual. Please don’t feel guilty about advocating for yourself and your own well-being – if it helps, think that there are probably others who will be glad you spoke up because they’re running on fumes as well.

You are loved. You matter. Even if you can only be around for five minutes on Thanksgiving Day because you’re having an episode or an attack, the day will be brighter for everyone else because of those five minutes. When you’re fighting for each moment, sharing it with another person is one of the most precious and valuable gifts imaginable, and anyone who understands will value it accordingly.

family life

a boy and his monkeys

Posted on 2015-11-232015-11-22 by kristinabean

One day, Rondel realized we had three stuffed monkeys in the house.

Despite never showing any attachment to a stuffed animal previously, he decided that these three monkeys were incredibly cute snuggly companions and that they needed to accompany him to as many places as possible.

They sleep on his pillow at night and during naps; they ride in the car and the stroller right next to him; they sit with him on the couch while he plays cars. They even managed to teach him the concept of “three” as opposed to “two” or “many.”

He calls them the Daddy monkey, the Rondel monkey, and the little Limerick monkey (which I think is how I named them months before this sudden rediscovery he made).

They make him happy, and that makes me happy.